But, if you are a stockholder, or a member of the BOD who is not in bed with the C-Suite, pay attention. These tips can save you tons of cash, and might even save your company’s a**. Take back control of your company in six simple steps. Wait! the Headline says FIVE steps – well, actually it says 5 things. No problem. Step number six (or 6 for accountants)  is a no brainer. After 1-5 are done, you send send your C-Suite sliding on their little butts to never-gonna-get-there-again-land.

1. Count the lawyers. There is a pretty good chance (about 900 billion to 1) that your company has more lawyers on the payroll than customer service reps. It’s also a pretty good bet that most of them have three priorities:

• Protect the C-Suite from the stockholders and board of directors
• Protect the compensation plans (including bonuses and parachutes that could safely land an aircraft carrier)
• Protect the C-Suite from employees

2. Get more lawyers than they have. The point here is that most of them are already on your company’s payroll. That’s a good place to start. When you’ve exhausted your efforts to convert those already in the flock then check out one of our subsidiaries Bargain Barristers R We.

3. Supplement your customer service people for the calls that will be coming in from a) the lawyers in step 1, b) relatives of the C-Suite, and c) relatives and girlfriends of the lawyers in step 1. HINT: You MUST take this step and supplement your customer service people. The TWO you have won’t be enough to handle these calls AND your actual Customers. [e.g. the people who actually buy your stuff so you can pay the C-Suite]

4. Arrange for your C-Suite to be outsourced to a country that is on the Homeland Security Watch List, so it will take them a hundred years to get back into the U.S.A.

5. Get rid of the extra lawyers.

6. The butt-sliding thing.

7. OK, where did this one come from? At this point, most of you will want to take some of the money you get back, and will save on future perks, bonuses, and parachutes, and use it to bring back the people your C-Suite outsourced.

Thanks,

The Really Nice Guys at Cheap CXOs.

1) Chief Executive Officer (HB-1*), certified to have run at least company with revenue in the billions (see note 1).
2) Chief Operating Officer (HB-1*), certified to have run a company with at least 20,000 workers (see note 2).
3) Chief Financial Officer (Offshore: Cayman, Switzerland, or Somalia)
4) Chief Marketing Officer (Offshore: Bollywood)
5) Chief Technology Office (Offshore: Chennai, Bangaladesh)
6) Chief Information Officer (HB-1*) certifiable
7) Chief Legal Obstruction Officer (HB-1*) certified former KGB or United States telco experience.
8) Chief Counsel (HB-1*) certified to have scored over 50% on the bar exam.

EIGHT GUYS for less than what you pay your board of directors in jet fuel costs.

* HB-1 package include a single 2 bedroom apartment (for all HB-1s) and a shared 1987 Trabant for transportation.
Note 1: billions (not dollars, but rupees, pesos, or a similarly valued currency)
Note 2: 20,000 workers does not mean 20,000 paid employees. It could mean 20,000 inmates in a “re-education camp” or 20,000 slave laborers.