Cheap CXOs

Get a complete combination offshore/HB-1 executive team (eight executives) for less than what you normally pay for ONE GUY. Our package includes the following items for a net-net in the low seven figures (includes housing and transportation for HB-1* employees).

1) Chief Executive Officer (HB-1*), certified to have run at least company with revenue in the billions (see note 1).
2) Chief Operating Officer (HB-1*), certified to have run a company with at least 20,000 workers (see note 2).
3) Chief Financial Officer (Offshore: Cayman, Switzerland, or Somalia)
4) Chief Marketing Officer (Offshore: Bollywood)
5) Chief Technology Office (Offshore: Chennai, Bangaladesh)
6) Chief Information Officer (HB-1*) certifiable
7) Chief Legal Obstruction Officer (HB-1*) certified former KGB or United States telco experience.
Chief Counsel (HB-1*) certified to have scored over 50% on the bar exam.

EIGHT GUYS for less than what you pay your board of directors in jet fuel costs.

* HB-1 package include a single 2 bedroom apartment (for all HB-1s) and a shared 1987 Trabant for transportation.
Note 1: billions (not dollars, but rupees, pesos, or a similarly valued currency)
Note 2: 20,000 workers does not mean 20,000 paid employees. It could mean 20,000 inmates in a “re-education camp” or 20,000 slave laborers.

Executives wanted at the highest levels. Must be capable of moving labor unions into compromises (and you though the whole moving the mountain thing was difficult.) Must be able to predict the future of the energy industries, the state of highway maintenance and repairs, and the gross average fast-food intake weight of the American automotive buyer. Anyone for a two-seater with a capacity of 1,200 passenger pounds?

If you think you’re up to this, and don’t mind the idea of living and working in beautiful downtown Detroit, for no money and zero respect, get in touch with us at  CheapCXOs (Client:  B. Obama, 1600 Pennsylvania Av Washington DC.)

We’ve already got a glut of insurance guys, but we’ve gotten word that several formerly high-end guys will be coming on the market. Hey, in this job market we advised them to just pay the taxes on the freakin’ bonuses and bite the bullet, but no…

Anyway, if you’re interested, check back with us in a couple of weeks.

This just in: we’ve got a telecom guy who actually believes he’s going to stay out of jail. I’ve you want to give him a shot call us on our private number. You’ve got to hand it to the guy. He’s still walking around on the streets–OK, that was figurative, he’s acutally riding around in a limo.

Vik Torino, the executive director of OCE*, in an early morning press release, praised Cheap CXOs for the work we are doing in an increasingly unfriendly business environment.

“For the last eight years, George W. Bush has given us a healthy business environment in which we could pretty much do whatever the [f-bomb expletive deleted] we wanted. Now it’s a whole different world. Look at those poor Goober Guys, now we’re all going to have to go back to really inspecting the [s-bomb expletive deleted] we ship from our factories. Wasn’t the uproar over leaded paint in Chinese made toys enough for these guys? Now they have to start looking at freakin’ American plants?

“Cheap CXOs has been helpful at making our plight known to those who just don’t give us the [f-bomb expletive deleted - again] respect we deserve. If you need good guys to run your business, count on Cheap CXOs to fill the void.”

[*editors note: Vik Torino is the Chairman and CEO of Banco de Puerco and the president-for-life of OCE, the Organization of Corporate (the liberal media tell us the C really means Clueless, but we know they're full of crap) Executives]

If you’re looking for a financial guy, and willing to slide a little on things like competence and ethics, keep your eye on Cheap CXOs over the next few weeks.  There must be several thousand of them bitching about the 500K salary cap that’s part of the bailout boogie. We’ve got a line on some seven, eight, nine million dollar guys you might be able to snag for under a mil if you can toss in a one-year lease on a Vantage.

More soon on this exciting news.

SeemsFree, the worlds largest fictional retailer and based in Gonads, Oklahoma, announced the acquisition of CheapCXOs of Boulder-Springs, Colorado for an undisclosed sum.  (We wanted to disclose it, but they told us the deal would be off if we did. Let’s just say it’s a CHUNK of change.) For now, everybody at CheapCXOs gets to keep their jobs, but we don’t think it will last for long.  (Every one of us makes more than the SeemsFree corporate maximum salary — except for THEIR CXOs, of course.)

Keep tuned for more information.

(We love acquisitions. What better way to channel scads of tax-deductible cash to all our executives?)